Gauntlets & Gratitude - a personal update

Jun 24, 2024
White Barn Owl Flying through a tunnel like spiral


It's been a while since I've been in touch because I've been navigating an unexpected series of gauntlets for the past 3 weeks.

(read to the bottom for a gift of gratitude for making it through)


On May 21 my beloved mom had an accident, that resulted in a severe brain injury and hospitalization.

I won’t share many details here because my mom is a private person, but she’d been released from the hospital shortly after and due to an oversight in her care from that first visit, she went unconscious in public on May 30 and was taken to the ER again.

As soon as I got the call, I packed my things, my incredible husband let me take our only car (stranding him in the country), and I drove like a focused arrow to her.

The drive was a 5-hour power practice holding my mom’s greatest health and wellbeing in mind while being honest about the real risks to her health and devotedly keeping my Shadow Power voices at bay. I knew that I needed to be at my center to best serve my mom’s healing, care for her, and advocate for her in the hospital.

 

I could not afford the costs of my Shadow Power at this time.

So began 11 days in-person of full-throttle emergency response and healing support mode for my mom with a 3rd trip to the ER and extended hospitalization that ultimately brought my brother, sister-in-law, and husband all together with me in person. Together we faced an enormity of care needs, decisions, home redesign for accessibility, systems creation, and communications — not to mention the emotional territory that we had little-to-no space to engage amidst everything else.

In the wild spiraling nature of life, I was caretaking my dear mother after she had a fall and a traumatic brain injury (TBI) with my hard-earned healing knowledge from my own fall and TBI in 2011, after which she’d emergency caretaken me.

 

I kept orienting to the severity of the present moment for her while unwaveringly holding the greatest possibility of her healing. I know how people can unconsciously condemn you to a downward trajectory when injured, not to mention when aging.

This felt like Olympic weightlifting in my spirit.


I definitely had breakdowns and Shadow Power flares during this, but for the most part, I was in my center and Power that Serves the Whole, which ultimately served my mom’s healing path.

This was a huge test for me and evidence of my power practices over the years because Past Me would have capsized and given into fear speculations of the worst possible timelines that could unfold. Instead, I got to play all out for my mom when she needed me most. What a huge win that we followed my Sensing Power to leave CA and move back East.

By the time we left this initial emergency period with my mom, she was home and recovering well.

As for me? My nervous system and executive decision-making capacities were shot and I was empty. And we were planning for a summer of caretaking.

 

Then life escalated to another level of weird cosmic trickster joke.

We’d planned for a week back at home before returning to my mom’s to care for her, and I knew I needed to prioritize filling my well.

I signed up for a retreat with amazing guides I deeply respect at Omega Institute that fit perfectly in our time at home.

Day 1 was a glorious gift.

That night, I began to feel sick and had a Shadow Power battle all night resisting this possibility.

I woke up and tested positive for COVID (*no more retreat—well, not the one I’d wanted).
So did my husband and my mom.

Later that day, my mom informed us that we all got COVID from the hospital(!) because they evidently had an outbreak unbeknownst to them while she was there receiving care. WTAF.

Luckily, it did not hit my mom too badly.
Michael, my husband, was tired but could function.
I, however, got demolished by COVID for 12 days.

 

Hello, Shadow Power Gauntlet part 347.

As someone who spent 12 years healing from a near-fatal accident and hundreds of days in excruciating pain, being taken out so fully was one of my greatest fears in life and as an entrepreneur for a long time.

In this place, in this deep exhausted COVID den of depletion, I watched the fears rise up.

I didn’t have energy for them.

At times they took me, but I couldn’t afford to give my severely taxed life force to being afraid.

Instead, I gave my body to my bed and the Earth

My business went dormant for 3 weeks. It had to.

I didn’t have the energy to think much.

I slept 12+ hours/day and the rest of my time lying down, looking at trees, and bathing in birdsong and emptiness.

Sometimes in pain & dealing with fear storms.

Here, in this familiar place of being so thoroughly restrained by my body— a place that was long a hell realm for me — I found peace and surrendered to the emptiness, trusting the cycles of Life that a new, greater beauty could emerge in me.

As I share in RPE, it is a magical thing when we feel trapped and we find liberation by realizing that we are not only the prisoner, but the jailer, the jail, the architect, AND the keys to let ourselves out.

 

Life is constantly serving up medicine for us.
At times, it asks us to fall, to surrender, to let go completely.
There, we meet our greatest Shadows and our greater Power that Serves the Whole.


If you’ve been deeply tested recently, you’re not alone.
I’m beaming you huge hugs while cheering with my whole self.


We all come undone. We must. It can feel like breaking.
It can be intense and feel scary.
This mythic layer of life is real. It is where we become our bigger selves.

 

While these circumstances took me “away from work”, they asked the fullest demonstration of my regenerative power embodiment skills of anything yet this year.

Today my heart is a waterfall of gratitude reporting that my mom’s healing is coming along beautifully.

And I’m back to work with a new heart.

 

If this moves you or speaks to your own experience in any way, I'd love to hear from you.
Big thanks and love,

Larissa

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